Clash of the Fail
by daydreamer11691
Summary: A parody of the movie "Clash of the Titans." Points out the butchered mythology, annoying characters, and bad special effects. This is purely for fun.  Read and review please.


Clash of the FAIL!

_It's a fairly typical day for the group of screenwriters. They gather their things and head to the conference room to discuss the Clash of the Titans remake. What follows is not the real conversation but likely what happened. _

**Writer #1:** So once again we're out of ideas. So Warner Bros. Has decided to let us remake that old, cheesy movie, _Clash of the Titans_!

_The rest of the writers seem bored and unenthusiastic about this news. The fat man sitting towards the end of the table checks his watch while the woman on his right suppresses a yawn unsuccessfully._

**Writer #1:** Here's the thing though: we're not going to make this cheesy or campy in at all.

_The woman that was about to yawn looks up, surprised. _

**Writer #2 (spoken hesitantly): **But... isn't that what fans liked about the old movie?

**Writer #1:** Very astute Carol but audiences want more from movies these days! They want action, special effects (as in 3D!), and British actors! We're gonna get that new chick, Gemma Arterton? She'll be the love interest. And we're going to have a huge CGI battle.

**Carol:** So basically this is just another attempt to remake and ruin an old movie that most people don't even remember. And it's going to be just like every other action movie out there.

**Writer #1:** …..Yes

_It's a normal movie night for Dangotastic and Daydreamer. They decide to watch Clash of the Titans because they're both insanely bored. They are going to watch this fail of a movie online. _

**Dango:** So basically this movie sucks. They can't even get Greek mythology right. And don't even get me started on Io. But let's watch it for the lulz.

**Daydreamer:** Oh boy this should be fun.

_The movie loads and the opening shots are of outer space. Gemma Arterton begins to narrate. _

**Daydreamer: **Why does this movie start with outer space? Is the director confused or something? I mean this is about Perseus, from Greek mythology right?

_Daydreamer soon begins to listen to the narration, deciding that her previous questions will likely go unanswered. _

**Gemma Arterton: **And so the Titans were defeated thanks to the Kraken, created by Hades. All of the gods feared this monster that Hades had created...

**Daydreamer:** What the... The Kraken is _not_ from Greek mythology! Hades certainly didn't create it!

**Dango:** Wait it'll get even more stupid. Just keep watching the fail.

**Daydreamer:** Oh wait let me guess: Hades is the villain. Real fucking original there Hollywood. Like I've never seen _that_ before...

**Dango: **I know! Jeez Hades isn't even a bad guy in Greek mythology. He's apathetic about his role as ruler of the underworld and he's lonely. Plus he has even shown mercy from time ti time.

_The two friends sigh and continue watching the movie. Pretty soon Perseus, the protagonist of the movie is introduced. He is adopted... what could that mean?After all adopted kids in Greek mythology are usually demi gods (Or future kings/murderers like Oedipus)._

**Perseus's Parents:** Gosh son we just love you so much.

**Perseus: **Golly gee I love you too even if I'm not really your son.

_Suddenly a group of soldiers begin to complain about the gods and how much they suck. It should be noted that Perseus and his family are in a boat on the water. The soldiers are on the cliff overlooking them._

**Random Soldier:** I curse you gods! Curse, curse curse! You guys SUCK!

_Suddenly, Hades appears in the form of a group of Harpies! He proceeds to kill all the soldiers and his destruction causes Perseus's boat to crash._

**Daydreamer:** I'm sorry but shouldn't Poseidon be the one to kill everyone? I mean this is his domain the blasphemy is taking place on. I'm pretty sure Hades doesn't have jurisdiction.

**Dango:** But Hades is evilllll!

**Daydreamer: *sigh***

_Soon everyone is dead except for Perseus. Suspension of belief doesn't work here because Perseus is a demi-god. That's probably why he survives when everyone else (except for some soldiers) dies. _

Time Skip! The Setting: Andromeda's Palace

_The surviving soldiers of the massacre take Perseus to the King and Queen's palace. I don't really care why and neither do you. The plot requires him to go there. _

**King:** I'm the best ruler ever! Damn those gods-who needs them anyway?

**Queen:** Look at me-I'm so gorgeous! My daughter is beautiful too. In fact she and I are both prettier than Aphrodite that bitch.

**Andromeda (possibly remembering the story of Arachne): **Mother! We cannot blaspheme the gods this way! Bad things might happen! And the people we are ruling are miserable. They're starving, actually. Damning the gods probably isn't such a good idea.

**Random peasants:** We need food and water! Also, atmosphere! The costumes and sets in this movie are too uninspired!

**Andromeda:** See!

_Meanwhile Perseus sees Andromeda. The two notice each other and it seems like love at first sight. After all Perseus marries her in the original tale and they have a happy marriage, which is uncommon in Greek mythology. _

**Queen: **Look at my unnecessarily bright gown. Don't I look queenly? Also, fuck Hades.

_Hades, the most awesome god in Greek mythology appears, quite livid. How dare anyone insult his awesomeness?_

**Hades (attired in a ridiculous costume and has wings): **How dare you insult me!

_He proceeds to kill all the soldiers except Perseus._

**Hades:** You Perseus are a demi-god! [Everyone is shocked. Hades turns to the rest of the people] If you don't sacrifice your princess to the Kraken in 10 days then I shall destroy your city! No, this doesn't make any sense so just go with it.

_He vanishes. The people of Argos decide to put their trust in Perseus despite knowing nothing about him. Perhaps there is a reason they aren't doing so well as a city._

Time Skip Setting: Prison Where Perseus Angsts

**Perseus:** Zeus is my father? What should I do? The King has thrown me in here because I refused to help... maybe I should help these people. I can't let Andromeda be killed after all.

_Suddenly Gemma Arterton's character, IO, appears._

**IO: **Hello Perseus. I've been watching you since you were a child.

**Perseus: **What the hell? Who are you?

**IO:** I'm that woman from Greek mythology that got turned into a cow. Do you want to hear my story? It's different now.

**Perseus:** Uh not rea-

**IO:** Excellent! You see a long time ago Ares, the god of war, desired me. I of course refused and... I was cursed with agelessness. It's awful.

**Perseus:** You're eternally young and you're complaining?

**IO:** Woe is me! Oh and I'm sure you'd love to hear about your heritage. Zeus hated your father (well he wasn't actually your father) so he pretended to be your father and slept with your mother.

**Perseus:** What the-

**IO: **So then Acrisius (your not real father) decided to seal you and your mother in a coffin and through you both into the ocean. I guess he didn't really love either of you.

**Perseus: **Wait what?

**IO: **Zeus wasn't happy about that. You see he loves you even though he has no reason to. He used his lightning to horribly disfigure Acrisius. Somehow this gave him horns. Now this is what you have to do to get revenge on Hades-

**Perseus: **Wouldn't I rather want to get revenge on Acrisius or Zeus?

**IO: **Listen Perseus I know everything. I'm all knowing like that. If you kill the Kraken you shall have your revenge against Hades. Now go do it!

_Perseus, Io, and a group of soldiers depart to seek out some witches so that they can tell them how to kill the Kraken. By this point all pretense of logic is gone and the most annoying character in the movie has been introduced. Sadly Io will remain this annoying._

_What will happen next? Chapter 2 shall cover some more butchered mythology, improbable set locations and the obligatory special effects. Stay tuned for more fail!_


End file.
